This fine morning, I woke up a little earlier and went hiking with my friends, and to be honest with you, it was pretty hard for me to get up when my mind kept telling me that it was a public holiday.
So, after climbing the hill (which was filled with mosquitoes, and I got bitten at almost every single part of my body, and it was really itchy and till now, I'm actually trying my best to write without having the urge to violently scratch at those marks) that we found next to a newly-built apartment, I came down, only to see something which caught my eye and made me stop in the middle of the track.
It was a millipede, a rather large one, crawling its way to God knows where.
Curious, I used my walking stick and nudged it a bit. The millipede flinched, and moved into another direction as fast as possible. I wanted to take a closer look of its numerous legs, so again, I tried to push it to the slope with my walking stick so it would rest there and I could see the millipede better. But, the millipede frantically flinched and kept wriggling itself so it doesn't let me get a grip of it. I was frustrated, so with a little more force, I pushed it up again. This time, I noticed that the millipede doesn't have such quick reflexes like it did before, and as it turned itself around, I saw the cut that I made with the walking stick on its body from pushing it too hard, hitting it at the edge of the stone. The millipede turned around again, and slowly, it struggled to crawl towards its destination.
When I continued my way down the hill, my mind was flooded with pictures of the millipede. My mind kept telling me, "the millipede is hurt because of you.", and part of me was so guilty, even though there were probably hundreds and thousands of others (probably millions) in the world and it didn't matter. As I was driving home, I started relating this situation in a different way. I noticed that somehow, I might have experienced things like this in life.
I think sometimes this is what I do to people, I want them to be like what I expect them to be. I want them to talk to me, so why aren't they talking to me? I want them to feel my pain and comfort me, so why aren't they doing it? I would keep provoking them to achieve and go smoothly as what I have planned in my head. What happens then? I eventually hurt them without knowing it. I hurt myself too, because I feel incredibly guilty after that. This is probably unconscious suicide or something, but I think I'm starting to understand things in this way better than I did before.
Maybe my expectations on people are sometimes to the certain extent that I would do anything just to make it happen, even if it's already dying. Maybe I need to stop making up so many future plans in my life that I might not even know whether it's going to happen or not, because I'm not supposed to be the one who's playing as God. God is God, and I am supposed to just follow His orders and prepare for what He has for me.
What a time to be alive, to be able to find out the bad side of your seemingly good characteristics, and try to change them.